Back into the fray...

Well, today is the last day of break. I'm spending it wisely, in jammies in front of movies. My marridiv partner and I had breakfast together this morning, grabbed some movie treats and appropriately zoned out for the afternoon. After six weeks of continuous drinking, I face a few nights of difficult sleep sans wine. My first clinical shift should take care of that. But first, a few days of endless no-cheating speeches, "be flexible" rants and "we don't like this any more than you do" tirades. Like we haven't been through this THREE times since last January already! I'm sure I'll be taking down a small rainforest in paper this week too. The waste in nursing school is obnoxious and I'm a plastic bag WM shopper. 16.5 weeks and I'll be treated like a grown up again. It really is weird going back to school at my age...being older than many of my teachers yet they can reduce me to 13 with the word "contract". I shouldn't bitch. I've really loved just about every minute of it. And I'm so blessed and grateful to be able to make this dream come true after so long. And I'll have a way to support myself if this marridiv goes to divomar over the next 6 months, without having to go back to the monotony of the IT world (even though the bank is better). Looking forward to what the next several months hold. Hang in there everybody...it's quite a ride, isn't it?

Where Are We?

So it's really weird when you don't even know where you are in your own life. I mean, I KNOW where I am, I don't have amnesia or anything. I'm mentally competent to stand trial if need be. I start back school on Monday. So I know that much. But my personal life is in this super strange place. It used to give me a ton of anxiety (I have to know where we are, I have to, I have to, I have to). Yeah, not good on one's emotional self so I'm knocking that shit off. Still, it's a little surreal. So I've decided to give this place a name. I'm naming it Marridiv. You're in that space between marriage and divorce. We'll call it Marridiv on the good days and Divomar on the bad days. It's been more of a Marridiv kind of week. I guess that's good. Anything that keeps the waters calm so I can finish this beast of a program! Soon I will have all kinds of other thoughts occupying my time such as heart rhythms, ECG strips, critical care, pediatrics and (oh joy!) Jurisprudence. So the weather in Marridiv is mostly sunny with a perpetual chance of thunderstorms. I think I'll bring an umbrella just in case.

Nursing school gripe

Okay so here it is Wednesday. We start our final level next Monday. We have twice the class load as normal. And there's NOTHING ON OUR SCHEDULES. Nothing. Usually by now I'm printing out a rainforest, getting folders organized and lamenting about having to attend first week orientation nonsense AGAIN. But there's not a single thing out there. Wth? Is every nursing program like this? Do they all act like they don't do this every semester?? Seriously, I just don't understand. I mean, don't get me wrong. I have LOVED nursing school but this kind of thing goes on constantly (schedule changes, conflicting information, no information, etc) and after awhile, it just kind of wears on a person, you know? UGH

And let it be said. EKGs are a bitch! The website I found has helped a lot. Here are the rhythms I can now  identify: NSR(duh), brady, tachy, sinus arrhythmia, SVT, Afib, Aflutter, paced atrial, NSR with PVC, third degree AV block, Vtach, Vfib, paced ventrical and of course asystole (duh). The ones that trip me up are: sinus exit block, sinus arrest, all the dang AVBs except third (there are 4 others), junctionals and IVRs. Who knew there were so many rhythms?! I saw a RBBB pointed out on one yesterday and was all "how do you even SEE THAT??" Maybe someday it will all make sense. I used to feel the same way about lab values, acid/base balance and electrolytes and now I can recite them in my sleep. Just don't ask me to list of insulins. I need a cheat card in my badge for that. Rote memorization is not my thing and I just can't get the hang of them.

Off to do something that involves little brain power. Lifetime Movie Channel maybe? =)

Blah day

Today I woke up and stayed sleepy all day. It's rainy, cold and damp and I never could wake up all the way but couldn't sleep when I tried to nap either (my napping days are seriously numbered so I at least wanted to try).

I split the day between nursing and trail. I started an excel spreadsheet to track recommended equipment, cost and weight. I bookmarked some recommended websites and flagged some AT blogs. Then I studied a little. Getting ready to hit ACLS in the final semester and want to get a jump start on strips. Man, this shit is HARD! There's like eleventybillion rhythms out there and every fourth one looks the same. BAH! I found a great website that not only explains them well but also has a 60-second strip ID game. So if all else fails, repetition. I wouldn't have to be great at this but I want to be. Partly because that's my nature and partly because I want to be in the ED or some kind of critical care. Also reviewed fluids, electrolytes, PaCo2, pH, bicarb, acidosis, alkalosis and skimmed endocrine (I HATE the endocrine system). 17.5 weeks...wow, hard to believe they'll let me loose on real people in such a short amount of time. I still have to find my first IV and catheter for crying out loud...WHAT ARE THEY THINKING?

Job blues...

Last week before break but I need to spend the time brushing up. It feels like all my nursing info leaked out over the holidays. I spent a couple of hours today reviewing ECG stuff and will probably focus on that this week in anticipation of ACLS this semester. Plus reading strips is something I'd like to be proficient at since the ER/Critical Care is going to be my thing. Feels great to know I'm down to the last few months!

Things at home are the same but I don't really care. Just doing my thing. I mean I'm sad. I miss feeling loved but it's not like I'm the first person on the planet to go through this, right?

Still reading The Things You Find on the Appalachian Trail. It's been a fun book. Long term goals are great and give me something to dabble in when I have too much down time and my brain starts to wander to places that have no benefit. NO MORE WALLOWING! =)

Okay, so let me fill you in on the most frustrating thing that has happened over the holidays. I started this nursing program on a January start, which put me at a disadvantage. We are eligible as students to apply at a local hospital for an externship which means we follow an RN around and do what is allowable in our scope of practice, get paid for it and get ourselves in front of people who will be in charge of hiring new grads. The hospital I want to work at has a great extern program and is known for hiring only from their extern pool so it's important to get in there if you want to work there eventually. The externship process is open twice a year: in April and November. This sucks for a January entry student. In April you have only a few months under your belt and they are not inclined to hire a Level 1. By November you are ready to enter Level 4 which means they only have a few months to see your skill set before deciding whether or not to hire you so they traditionally don't hire Level 4s either. I applied as a Level 1 and didn't get in. I have worked at this hospital's ER before and two of my references are ER docs so when I applied again before Level 4 (last November), I was pretty confident about getting in. I had also introduced myself to the nursing director of the ER, told her how interested I was and she told me she would ask for my app by name. Again, I felt really confident. There is one person in charge of every extern that gets in from every college. One. That's a lot of power for one person. She basically decides on every nurse getting into that hospital. I have emailed her fairly regularly since meeting her at new student orientation last January. I wanted to keep my name in front of her because I really want to work for this hospital. I interviewed with her at the end of November and thought it went well. The orientation for the hospital was scheduled the week before Christmas (what?? how insane is that?) so I revamped my plans to head up north for the holidays which I originally intended to do on the 15th. Then I get this automated email saying  I wasn't selected. WHAT? Are you kidding me? How did that happen? On FB I see that some of my Level 4 compadres had been selected so I knew it wasn't a Level 4 deal. I was shocked, my husband was shocked and so were my classmates. I'm 45, reliable, responsible, I interview well, and had great recommendations from clinical instructors, etc. So I leave a message for this lady to please let me know what had happened. She calls me back and first she tells me the whole Level 4 issue. I told her that several of my graduating classmates had gotten selected. Then she tells me it was competitive and was a grade issue. My GPA is great, much better than at least one of my classmates that made it in. I tell her this because I can tell something is off here. Finally she tells me that the truth of why I didn't get in is because I was too eager and it was off-putting. Seriously?? This is like the craziest thing I've ever heard. I have 2 docs and the nursing director of this hospital's ER asking for me by name and you decide I just want it too badly? I didn't even know what to say. Clearly she just didn't like me for some reason and cut me off. The nursing director of the ER tried a few things to get me in but no-go. So now my chances of getting into this hospital are down to near zero. I have no idea what really happened and am very frustrated. The other local hospital doesn't offer an externship so now I'm forced to apply for one to a hospital that's nearly an hour away. I don't HAVE to extern to graduate but it would be great to have a job and get to practice skills and have a distraction from my current domestic bliss (yes, note the sarcasm here). But time is ticking away so I don't know if this other hospital will be interested in having a student extern when she graduates in 3-4 mos. So that was fun. The upside of not getting in was getting to go up north early as planned. That was a real blessing so the disappointment was off-set by that. But dang it, I want a JOB!! The nursing director of the ER is trying to get me in as a pre-triage escort so my face is at least in the ER. We'll see. Fingers crossed. Happy Monday, everybody!

Home again...

Slackblogging again, I know. Well, after months and months of "I don't know", I came back expecting an answer. Well, expecting a divorce actually. But there's just more "I don't know". And for the first time, that's actually okay with me because I don't know anymore either. And I have way too much to focus on to let this situation continue to drain my emotional energy. My time home with my family was very good for me. Helped remind me who I am, made me stronger. I thank God daily for them. So now I know I'm strong enough to get through whatever comes my way. He's been pondering things since meeting with his counselor yesterday morning and wants to talk again tomorrow.  We'll see. I feel bound to the promises I made to him and I'm willing to go forward. But I'm not willing to be yanked around. So, my mental energies are going elsewhere for now.

On a good note, I received several emails last night from our automated school scheduling system and my MedSurg 3 schedule looks great. I'm at my favorite hospital and am in the ICU, SICU, ER and one other floor I'm happy with. The schedule itself is brutal 2 days of the week for the first 7 weeks and then I'm off MedSurg and on to Pedi. And then GRADUATION!! I have one week of break left. Time to do some review. Ready to be done with school and with this phase of my life in general.

Still doing a lot of reading/dreaming about the AT...something else to look forward to. I was driving through the mountains on the way home and thought about how beautiful it will be to hike it instead of driving it.  I've been contemplated starting some 2-3 day hikes this year. But I have ZERO gear and gear is expensive. So is school. So it will have to wait. Another reason to get this school phase over. Girl needs some cash!

Thanks to those of you who have given me a read and sent some juju my way. Much appreciated (even if you haven't actually taken the time to comment, a-HEM). Peace...

So today I was on the road at 4am and made it from St Paul to Little Rock, which means I only have 4 hours tomorrow. I miss my family already and am anxious about tomorrow. In all likelihood, in 24 hours, I will be on the way to divorce #2. (#1 doesn't count, lol...my 23 year old husband discovered he was gay...what can you do with THAT?). Still...this wasn't the way it was supposed to be. I waited so long for him. He was supposed to be my partner for the rest of my life. Major bummer. On the upside, school is about to start back and less than 4 months until graduation...yay, me! (yes, I'm an ellipses freak...deal) And I can start making 4 years worth of equipment/gear/stops lists, lists, lists for the AT in 2017. Trying not to use busy-ness to avoid though. Reading lots of mindfulness stuff lately. Maybe I won't make the same mistakes in the future if I'm more present in the present. Emotional pain is not pain. Simply a sensation to be embraced and learned from. Yeah...not there yet. But I'm working on it. Presently, I'm very in the present, enjoying my present Immortal Zin. Not bad... Prayers, juju, vibes my way tomorrow if you are so inclined. p.s. I know "lots" is not a real word.