Monday, February 11, 2013

Decisions, decisions...

Well, the time is coming where I have to make some pretty major decisions and it's a little overwhelming. It's time to start putting some feelers out for a job. Which requires picking a specialty. I have always wanted to end up as a hospice nurse but it was my understanding that I need a few years under my belt first. So I've been trying  to pick a secondary specialty. I would love to be back in the ER but I would like to be in a Level 2 trauma center (vs. Level 3). I have 2 within driving distance but will have a hard time getting into either (they both hire almost exclusively from their externship pool and I was unable to extern at either hospital). I really liked critical care also and probably have a better shot getting into this area though it's my third choice. I've decided to go ahead and at least TRY to get into hospice directly after graduation.  There are two hospices in my area that I would be willing to work in. I have volunteer background with one of them and maybe that will give me an edge. So today I sent a couple of emails and made a few phone calls. We'll see how it goes.

Then there's the marriage. I absolutely need to start making some decisions here. Things are going very well between us but we had an argument a couple of weeks ago and while it's clear that he loves me and he's trying, it's also just as clear that he doesn't begin to know who I am. He has come to some conclusions in his own head about who he THINKS I am and lives by those. And  I don't think I want to be married to someone who refuses to consider that what he believes about me is wrong. Why wouldn't your spouse want to believe the best about you? I get that this makes him less of a bad guy in all of this but I'm not willing to take that hit anymore. On the other hand, he's met my list of demands since coming home. And I love him. And we've got 10.5 years in this. And I think once I graduate, we might have a real shot. We've lived with his mom for 8 years and that's been a nightmare all its own. My number one priority after getting a job is moving out of here. It's been horribly destructive to our marriage and I'm done living out of a 12x12 bedroom. At 45, I want my own home again. So what I'm considering is a legal separation and a move. That way, he can decide whether he wants to get his mom settled someplace and join me or not, which will tell me everything I need to know.

Still, it's a little overwhelming to think about everything to be decided in the next 88 days. Jesus definitely needs to take THIS wheel, lol!!

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