Hurry up and wait...story of my life!

So I had my second interview with the hospice today. Yes, they want me. Currently, they only have a prn position open. This creates an issue...well, a few:

Issue 1: I'm in the middle of a divorce. A prn position will not allow me to create a new life. This means I need to get another prn position.

Issue 2: You can't get a prn hospital position as a new grad. They need 6 months at least of seeing you on the floor before you can move to prn. This means I need to get a full time job.

Issue 3: I'm 46. I don't have the energy of a 25 year old. How will I manage a full time job AND a prn position?

Issue 4: Our area hospitals require a 1 year agreement when hiring you full time. What happens if I take a full time job, only to have one open at the hospice?

I have no idea what I'm going to do. So for today, I'm going to count my blessings in getting the prn job, put in the training hours between now and graduation (as a volunteer and CNA...I'm not practicing without a license but will be training by observation with RNs), and take each day as it comes, trusting that the right opportunity is just waiting for me to take it.

Divorce is painful but there are still so many blessings to count!

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end...

So now that this song is stuck maddeningly in your head, let me explain. Yesterday we had Easter lunch at my stepsons' mom's house, as usual. Our family situation has always been unique. I get along great with my husband's ex and all four of us have more or less coparented the kids for 11 years with very few blips. I think that's quite a feat! So yesterday it was the usual gang: Me, the husband, his mom, the kids' mom, her mother, her husband's mom, her aunt and uncle and the kids. And I realized as she was praying over lunch that this was my last holiday meal as a member of this family. That realization brought many conflicting feelings along with it. Luckily I didn't do anything stupid like burst into tears, tear into my husband and his mother or anything like that. I just got a little teary and have tried to process all of the feelings since then. I'm still sorting them out. Sadness and hurt of course, anger...quite a bit of that actually, some fear, some relief and an abundance of love. I know it won't be my last holiday with everyone but it will be as a member of their family. But it's time to start looking forward.

In 39 days, I'll be a nurse! I can hardly believe it. I have a second interview with a hospice tomorrow but she said something about "hitting the ground running" when I have my GN so I'm hoping that's akin to a job offer! We'll see. A lot of things need to happen between now and settling somewhere on my own but in 3-4 months I should have a brand new life. Exciting and incredibly sad at the same time. Hope everyone had a lovely holiday...and sorry about the song! =)

Fun week!

Okay, okay, so I've been seriously slack blogging but honestly, life has been blissfully calm (albeit busy) as of late. Spring break offered up some much needed sleep and wine. This has been my first week back and I've flipped clinicals from MedSurg3 to Pediactrics. Our Pedi instructor is not the most organized person on the planet and our clinicals are all over the place. I had one on Monday and then another today. Monday was at a pediatric orphanage of sorts where developmentally or physically (or both) children live whose parents won't/can't care for them. Sad place but at least someone is watching out for them. I had a 5 year old little girl who physically looked/weighed in at about 3 years old and was developmentally about 4 months old. Blind, on a vent and full code. FULL CODE. Her parents are in jail and her grandmother never comes to see her. And she's full code. Don't even get me started. But she was precious. I wanted to take her home myself! Today was much more fun. I got to be a school nurse for about 600 4th and 5th graders today. What a blast!! I sure wish it paid better because it was a blast being around all of those kids!

All is quiet in divorce-ville. As long as we don't talk about our relationship or his mother, we coexist well. This is good since we have to until about July.

Nothing new on the job front. I was hoping to hear back from the hospice by now but no long. BUT, my old clinical instructor from Level 1 gave me another hospice lead this week. How sweet is she?? So hopefully something will work out in the next 49 days. YES, I SAID 49 DAYS!!! I'm so ready. A brand new life at 46. Not what I planned but why the hell not? =)

Pay it forward...

Well, I'm kind of speechless today. It's been a big week! With everything that's been going down the toilet for years and my marriage finally ending for real, some sun broke through this week. I was able to meet with our local hospice about coming on as a new graduate. She's going to call me next week about when I can start to shadow the RNs BEFORE I graduate so I can hit the ground running after. No "official" job offer but it sure sounds promising!  AND...a girl with whom I grew up in the same neighborhood lives in the Florida Keys and we've been talking for the last year or so via Facebook IM. Chip and I had planned to go to the Keys as a graduation present and I wanted to meet up with her while we were there. Well, with the divorce, not only are we not going together but there was no way I could afford to go. So this absolute ANGEL buys me tickets to her place and they just appear in my email! How crazy is that? While we have been talking and connecting a lot, I haven't laid eyes on her since 1985...yes, that's 85. So I don't know if this is some crazy karma that's coming my way from the countless sacrifices over the last 10 years or from opening my home to a girl I worked with but didn't know, and her 4 year old daughter, while she was going through a divorce back in 2000 or if it's just a gift from God or what. Regardless, I need to look for ways to pay this forward. The generosity of the gesture moves me (and quite frankly, makes me a little uncomfortable) but I'm going to try and just be gracious, say thank you and enjoy the trip! Unexpected kindness can change someone's life. Let's all go change someone's life! =)

Been awhile...some big decisions

So I haven't posted in awhile which isn't good, I know. When my personal life tanks, I tend to isolate and I know that's not good either. It has been a really rough few weeks but I'm hoping things are turning around.

First things first...definitely on the divorce track. And this time I'm more than fine with it. I'm ready to be done with all this bullshit. Seriously, it's been a long and difficult 10+ years and I found out some things I just knew I could not recover from so there you have it. I graduate in 62 days, hopefully with a job in hand so I'm praying to be out of here by August at the latest. I didn't think I would want to start over at this point in my life but honestly, today is my birthday and the 2 people I live with haven't said a word to me and I have zero plans today because my social circle is wrapped up in my marriage so right now I'm pretty isolated. Definitely ready to move on, make some new friends who will appreciate having me in their lives and find some peace and happiness. It's a new season.

And for some GREAT news....I have a "soft" interview for my dream job on Monday. I found out the hospice I've been volunteering for does hire new grads ("as long as they're not 12"...direct quote, lol) and they want to meet with me. I'm so excited I can hardly hold still!!!!  Send up some prayers/juju/whatever my way please!

My wonderful parents are giving me one of their cars so I can leave our van with the spouse and get my half out of it since it's paid off. This will be a huge advantage in helping me get out of here. Yes, at 45 (oops, 46 today!) it's a little humiliating to have your parents give you a car but I need all the help I can get right now so I'll take it. They are so amazing. God has been good to me where family is concerned for sure!

So...hope all of you out there are doing great and you haven't forgotten about me. Seeing some light at the end of the tunnel and decided to come out from under my rock. It's a new day!!

Scalpel, please...

I just found out I get to go to the OR for my make up clinical! I'm pretty excited about that. All of my classmates got an OR rotation in L2 and/or L3 but I never managed to get one so this is pretty cool. I don't think surgical nursing is for me but I'm excited about seeing some surgeries. In case I've never mentioned it, NurseLily + sterile environment = disaster. Hopefully I can manage for 8 hours if I stand perfectly still and intermittently hold my breath. Note to self: do NOT pass out like a nursing student goober!

It's the little things...

So during this level, our clinicals have been your traditional 12-hour shift, complete with paperwork on all patients. We're there to get report at 0645 and don't leave until we give report to the night shift. In prior levels, we always leave early on our last clinical rotation. I assumed that since we're report-to-report now, that wouldn't be the case. I was so happy to find out this afternoon that not only do we not have to do ANY paperwork for our last MedSurg clinical tomorrow but we will, in fact, be leaving early. It's amazing how something so small can make your ENTIRE day! So tomorrow is my last "official" Medsurg clinical ever before graduating, though technically I have a make-up clinical next week to make up for my eye drama last week (see "The Alien has Landed"). Then SPRING BREAK and on to Pedi which is a nice quiet way to finish the program. 73 days...9 more Mondays.

The alien has landed!

So for the second time in 3 weeks, THIS is what I woke up looking like yesterday.

Pretty, huh? "Take me to your leader."

My eyes wouldn't open any further than that. Well, yesterday was Wednesday. Wednesdays are clinical days. Clearly I could not be on the floor since I couldn't see unless I was looking down. I had already missed a class day and now I was missing a clinical which I had never ever done. You can only miss one per rotation or you're kicked out. I have 78 days left until graduation. You can imagine the stress.

Also, since our bank account is still (yes, STILL) $2,000 in the red, I could not afford to go back to the doctor. So instead, I became one of those patients I can't stand. With no choice, I made a non-emergent visit to the ER. It was my only option to be seen now and pay later. Luckily they threw me in the MEC so I didn't see anyone I actually knew. But since it was the same hospital I was supposed to be rotating in that day,  I did bring my clinical folder that I was supposed to turn in and met my clinical  instructor. She definitely knew I wasn't faking my absence and said she would do whatever it takes if I should run into any trouble down the road. 

On an interesting note, in the middle of my visit, not only did the power go down in the hospital but so did one of the backup generators. Not good for a Level II trauma center. The OR was completely in the black with patients who were wide open. All electronics were down: charting, PIXIS, etc. So I had to wait awhile on my steroid shot. But at least I wasn't on a surgical table with my guts out in the dark. So there's that..

Today they look much better and I was able to go to class. When this happened 3 weeks ago, they said it was an inflammatory stress reaction.  They didn't seem to think so in the ED though it's not an allergic reaction  because antihistamines had no effect. So I'm a little frustrated because if I don't know the cause, I can't avoid it which means this could happen again anytime, which means more missed school, which means no graduation. We are only allowed to miss 12% of any class. That's a class and a half per semester. So send some good stuff my way please. And don't tell anyone my real identity! (shhhhhhhhhhhh......we have probes, you know)

On the hunt...job hunt that is!

So yesterday I actually got out there and applied for a few jobs. VERY surreal! Especially since all of the apps ask for a license number, etc. which I don't have yet. A girl kind of feels like a fraud ("no officer, I swear my intent is not to practice medicine without a license....as a matter of fact, I'm not sure I'm even ready to HAVE a license!"). I applied with 3 hospices and 1 hospital's level 2 ED. Today (in 30 minutes actually) I have a meeting with our local ED nursing director. I'm going through all the motions but it doesn't at all feel real. I remember our first day of level 1, our Fundamentals instructor said that upon graduation, there would be  some of us wrapped around her ankles screaming "I'M NOT READY, I'M NOT READY!!". Yep, that's gonna be me. I'm already embarrassed for my poor family.

At long last!

This week I finally had my ED rotation - the one I've been waiting two years for! It was so great to see everyone again and the day was great. It felt just like coming home in a way. I was hoping to grab the nursing director for a few minutes but she left before I had time to get to her. However, I've sent her an email and she has agreed to meet with me which is really positive. Not getting an externship in that department has really hurt my chances of getting hired there but I felt more at home in that department than in any other rotation I've done to date. It wasn't as crazy as usual. Don't get me wrong, I was constantly busy but there was only anywhere from 8-15 in waiting which is practically dead (unless you're the poor soul out there waiting 3-4 hrs). Saw some neat stuff but not one trauma on shift which is good for Joe Q. Public but not as exciting for me.

On the home front, I'm in quite the pickle. We are still $2,000 in the hole and still no idea where my next week's tuition payment will come from. So it looks like I will need to make the dreaded call to family this afternoon. At 45 years old, this is absolutely humiliating but they'll kill me if I don't graduate over something like that at this point. If you're so inclined, keep me in your prayers. With 84 days to go, this is not the time for everything to go to shit, lol.

Decisions, decisions...

Well, the time is coming where I have to make some pretty major decisions and it's a little overwhelming. It's time to start putting some feelers out for a job. Which requires picking a specialty. I have always wanted to end up as a hospice nurse but it was my understanding that I need a few years under my belt first. So I've been trying  to pick a secondary specialty. I would love to be back in the ER but I would like to be in a Level 2 trauma center (vs. Level 3). I have 2 within driving distance but will have a hard time getting into either (they both hire almost exclusively from their externship pool and I was unable to extern at either hospital). I really liked critical care also and probably have a better shot getting into this area though it's my third choice. I've decided to go ahead and at least TRY to get into hospice directly after graduation.  There are two hospices in my area that I would be willing to work in. I have volunteer background with one of them and maybe that will give me an edge. So today I sent a couple of emails and made a few phone calls. We'll see how it goes.

Then there's the marriage. I absolutely need to start making some decisions here. Things are going very well between us but we had an argument a couple of weeks ago and while it's clear that he loves me and he's trying, it's also just as clear that he doesn't begin to know who I am. He has come to some conclusions in his own head about who he THINKS I am and lives by those. And  I don't think I want to be married to someone who refuses to consider that what he believes about me is wrong. Why wouldn't your spouse want to believe the best about you? I get that this makes him less of a bad guy in all of this but I'm not willing to take that hit anymore. On the other hand, he's met my list of demands since coming home. And I love him. And we've got 10.5 years in this. And I think once I graduate, we might have a real shot. We've lived with his mom for 8 years and that's been a nightmare all its own. My number one priority after getting a job is moving out of here. It's been horribly destructive to our marriage and I'm done living out of a 12x12 bedroom. At 45, I want my own home again. So what I'm considering is a legal separation and a move. That way, he can decide whether he wants to get his mom settled someplace and join me or not, which will tell me everything I need to know.

Still, it's a little overwhelming to think about everything to be decided in the next 88 days. Jesus definitely needs to take THIS wheel, lol!!

Obsession #3

So when I'm not studying, on the clinical floor or dreaming about hiking the AT, my third obsession is COOKING. It's had to stay on the backburner while I'm in nursing school (when time isn't an issue, energy usually is). However, with the weekend yawning ahead of me and no test next week, I do believe I'll give the family a reprieve from buying rotisserie chicken yet again and do some cooking. I've always been a food snob which is funny because when I was growing up, we were always broke so I grew up on lots of casseroles. But once I could start cooking myself, I experimented with all kinds of flavors. While in my 20s, I had a lot more misses than hits, but in my 30s I hit my cooking stride and I'm actually quite good, if I say so myself. One of the things I'm looking forward to the most after graduation is really studying and getting into food. There's so much out there to learn and I'm an obsessed autodidactic!  So on the menu for tonight is shrimp etouffee from scratch and dulce de leche salted caramel cheesecake bars for dessert!! I love cooking but not as much as I love eating!! Happy weekend, everyone!

Another 48 behind me!

Well, as much as I dread the 48 hrs of hell each week, I will admit it goes pretty fast. And here I sit, typing away, with a 4 day weekend stretched out in front of me with NO test next week! That means just some clinical paperwork tomorrow and the rest of the weekend is MINE to do with whatever I wish. I had planned on a 10-mile hike in the Ouachitas but the weather is supposed to be miserable so I think I'll postpone. Of course a good student would use this time to study strips, practice codes, catch up on ACLS,  etc. But I'm thinking not. Well, maybe on Monday.

So I've decided to attend graduation for sure. What the hell, it's only about an hour and let's face it...I love these kids I'm in school with. I'm nearly as excited to see them graduate as I am to do so myself. So at least one thing in my life is decided! Everything else will have to wait because I don't need another trip to urgent care with the bloated face from hell. So I've downloaded the first season of The Wire and I think this weekend will be mindless TV and many glasses of wine.

 

Ha! Deer in headlights...get it??

Back at it!

Well, my face is presentable again. Very scaly and still puffy but it will do for school this week. I'm in a cardiac step-down unit tomorrow for clinical and have to do my med pass and physical assessment check-off (LAST ONE before graduation!!) and I always get nervous about that. We've done it every level and I'm good at it but performance anxiety is a big thing for me. I'm hoping for an easy clinical day tomorrow but not holding my breath. Sometimes the calmer floors turn into the crazy floors. Someone coded there last week during clinicals so one just never knows. I really do love it and can't wait to be a nurse for real...hard to believe it's so close. Hoping I can pick up a few skills tomorrow too...our clinical grade depends on them this level. See you all on Friday!

Grad anxiety

I don't know what in the hell is the matter with me. After my little fiasco on the floor last week (see Vindication! post), I woke up Friday with my eyes swollen shut. Saturday was worse, the right side of my face was also swollen with hives. I looked like a stroked out domestic abuse victim. I tried some soap with tea tree oil and that at least got my eyes to open. By Sunday I started to panic because there was no way I could go to school or clinicals looking like this. Nothing new came into contact with my skin and benadryl was no help so I knew it wasn't allergy related. Which meant some kind of inflammatory response. So I hit my doc-in-the-box (which is an awesome place actually) hoping for some steroids. I ended up completely melting down with both the CNMA and my poor but wonderful NP. All they did is ask me what is going on in my life right now. That was all it took. Started breaking down talking about my crumbling marriage, my bank account which is now $2,000 in the red with a tuition payment coming up, plus my constant irrational fear of breaking an ankle in the next 95 days and not graduating. It turns out my face was an inflammatory STRESS response. UGH! 8mg of Decadron in the butt. My face is still slightly swollen today but much better. However, I had to submit my license request to the Texas Board of Nursing today. I did it, paid for it (sold my beloved camera equipment this weekend to do so) and thought I was going to throw up after. I don't understand why I have all this anxiety!! Shouldn't this be the COOLEST, MOST EXCITING time of my life?? I can't get into classes or clinicals this level. I'm worn out and stressed out and feel completely unprepared and not confident.  Why am I not over the moon excited right now? I really need to meditate and do some praying but I'm way too wound up to focus. Plus I have a Pedi exam tomorrow and can't focus to study for that either. Not to mention steroids make me zoom, zoom, zoom!! But it helps a little just to get it out there. A little. Okay, off to throw up...j/k. For now.

AT Stalking

So for those of you who know anything at all about hiking the Appalachian Trail, you know that it's getting to be time for the NOBOs to get moving soon. I have been keeping up with Jordana as she gets ready to hit the trail and reading old trail journals of those who have gone before. Since I have four years before it's my turn, I thought about "adopting" a hiker each year between now and then. I would read a few journals, pick a hiker with a relate-able "voice" and offer support/encouragement to that particular hiker throughout their journey - maybe even bounce-boxing some goodies along the way. So I'm going to spend some time contemplating that and deciding if I really have the time to make that kind of commitment starting this year, considering the next 3 months are going to be madness....probably the 3 months after that as well as I get settled into whatever my new life will look like. But I like the idea. And in my heart, I'm out there anyway.

Someday!

To graduate or not...

Well, not technically. My graduation application got approved this week (WOOHOO!) but I have a dilemma. I'm trying to decide whether or not to go to the graduation ceremony. For me, the pinning ceremony is what's special so I'm definitely going to that. But the nurses graduate with ALL Applied Science graduates: welders, automotive, etc. and I don't know if I really want to waste the time with a bunch of people I don't even know just so I can wear a cap and gown and have the experience of walking. Especially when I have family that's traveling 1,000 miles to be here for the pinning and I could just be spending that time with them. On the other hand, they're coming all this way because I'm graduating so maybe I SHOULD walk. I have a few months to think about it.  Advice?

First solo hike!

I'm so excited! I just planned my first solo day hike. Marridiv partner is going camping all weekend with the kiddo and I don't have a test the following week so it's time to make some plans! I'd love to go overnight but the tent and bag are going to be gone and I don't really have the proper gear anyway. It's a 10-miler somewhere in the Ouachita Forest (no specifics, hiker 101 anti-stalker rule!). I've got a pack, bringing 3L of water, a knife, duct tape, a few ziploc bags, tp, pb/j sammy, a few trail bars, whistle, fire starter, rain coat, map, wasp spray (works like mace/bear spray but shoots farther), first aid kit, camera, cell phone and a walking stick (don't have trekking poles yet). Keeping a change of clothes in the car and wearing as much non-cotton as possible. Any additional advice is welcome! Wish I still had Derby to come with me. He was such a great hiking buddy!  =(

My hiking buddy - I lost him last October at age 12 - Aussies rock!

Vindication!

So yesterday was my SICU rotation which I was really looking forward to because I am falling in love with critical care. My patient had a balloon in his heart which the cardiologist was ready to remove. This is done by literally yanking it out through the femoral artery, where it was inserted through. He asked me if I would like to apply the direct pressure. Are you kidding me? I'm a student. Of COURSE I want to shove a hemostat in some poor guys groin and hold it there perfectly still for 45 minutes! No, seriously. I do. So in one fell swoop, he yanks out the cath and ballon and blood squirts everywhere, movie style and super cool. He puts pressure on it then peeks twice. Both times = more squirting. Finally he's satisfied and I take over the pressure. I'm about 30 minutes in when I get that feeling. Things start getting swimmy, I'm nauseated and suddenly soaked with sweat. I try to breathe thru it but it's clear I'm about to go down. But if I do, this guy's femoral opens back up. So as much as I don't want to, I holler for my preceptor and she takes over. Thinking I need some sugar, I eat a granola bar and feel much better. So I go back out and take back over, feeling rather sheepish. I'm standing there with literally 2 MINUTES LEFT and it happens again! Wtf? I make it but barely. My preceptor comes over for the next step which I miss because I have to find an empty bed fast. I'm humiliated. A year in and some blood and pressure send me all syncopal?  That kind of stuff never used to bother me. My preceptor was amazingly sweet about it. I didn't feel like myself until about 1600 and the rest of my shift was great. Today I woke up exhausted but that's not unusual for the day after clinical. It feels similar to a hangover. So I'm in Pedi lecture and she splits us into birth order groups. Suddenly I'm way too hot and need some air. I'm soaked with sweat and sit down before I fall down. I decide to call it quits and go home after class which means missing the afternoon - something I have never done. When I get home I find I have 100.4 temp and sleep for the next 4 hours. I feel like shit but it's worth it. I'm totally and completely vindicated because I'm not a clinical wuss after all!

DC pt 2, less detailed, safer to read

So pardon me for yesterday. I was frustrated (seriously, I WAS on my period, right? Enough said.) and in pain. Today is much better. I'm getting much more used to the DC though removal is still kind of a booger. But man, I wish I had heard of this little jewel years ago. What a great purchase! I highly recommend it and will be spreading the word for sure.

About that other little matter...a wet washcloth in the microwave for 30 seconds and an overnight smear of neosporin did the trick. All better this morning.

First MedSurg 3 test tomorrow. Better hit the books (though I'd rather be taking a walk in the woods)!

Diva Cup review and other unmentionables...

WARNING: Sensitive and graphic information to follow. Think detailed menstruation and inguinal boils. You've been warned.

Okay, so I woke up this morning and saw that it was time for Experiment Diva Cup to commence. I had worked with its insertion and removal (removal was an experiment in pulling arm muscles, sweating and general hilarity...that little sucker ADHESES well!), so I was ready and looking forward to giving it a try. Got it in no problem. It's been in now about 8 hours and I sat to write this entry and rave about it when I felt a gush. I quick peek in the waistband and yep, we have leakage on the panty liner. Quite a bit but not enough to derail blogging just yet. So either I didn't suction it on good enough this morning or Aunt Flow is just that heavy. That's a possibility since sometimes it's like I'm giving birth to a placenta over and over for two days. We'll see when I'm done here and I'll fill in you eager readers tomorrow. I'm sure your breath is bated. Overall though, I'm super happy with it. I didn't notice it at all and while I did still cramp, I never had to take anything for it which is practically unheard of. I'm usually doubled over in pain and on the pot all day with diarrhea. They're monster cramps - it's been that way since junior high school. What a fun 32 years it's been. Anyway, they are much milder than usual and I read that the silicone has something to do with that. Who knows? But like Jordana said in her post, what I think I'm happiest about is the odor control. I retain a lot of water during my cycle and that usually fills up my tampons as much as anything else and I end up with wet underwear that smell like pee. I hate it! So I'm super happy about that. But I was really hoping it would last the 12 hours as promised because that's how long my shifts are and taking care of it at work would have an "ick" factor I'm not comfortable with. As a patient, I don't think I'd want a nurse starting an IV in me that  just had to take care of her Diva Cup. Yes, I've heard of soap and hand sanitizer but still...maybe it's just me.

On a different note, I have a discomfort of an altogether worse kind. I'm prone to boils in my nether regions. Right where the thigh attaches. Contrary to popular opinion, these are not always hygiene issues. I'm fastidiously hygienic. I used to only get them when I would go for a run and then not shower immediately after (which I hate doing because it doesn't give me enough time to cool down). This started after my first 12 hour shift this week so I'm thinking it's basically the same thing. All that sweating "down there" and no time to shower until I got home. Does anyone else deal with these suckers?? I can hardly walk and it wakes me up constantly in the middle of the night. They take days to come to a head and are so painful! Probably a little TMI, I know.

Stay tuned tomorrow for DC and boils, part 2. sigh...I need to get a life. =)  UPDATE: Not sure why it leaked. Maybe the way I was sitting broke suction. All is well and it's back in place.

Survived! (Nursing sans AT post)

Well, I survived the first 48 hours of hell that I'll endure weekly for the next 7 weeks. Working my first shift to shift was exhausting but not at all bad. As a student I don't feel right about sitting in the nurse's station, though most other students do. So I was on my feet from when I got up at 4am until I got home at 7:30pm, except for my 30-minute lunch break. My dogs were barking and my feet were killing me. The ends of my toes felt like they had been stubbing rocks all day and everything hurt except maybe my hair. But the day was educational and I worked in the ICU which I loved! One of my two patients took 90% of the time. Her stats were all over the place all day and just when one thing finally stabilized, something else went wonky. The ICU is definitely a delicate dance and my patient never fully stabilized. One thing I like about critical care over the ER is that these patients are truly critical and sick. No vaginal complaints at 3 in the morning, no frequent drug-seeking flyers, etc. BUT, there's something in the ER that's missing in the ICU as well. The ICU is constant monitoring. Hourly vitals, blood sugar checks, lots of poop wiping which can get a little tedious but also keeps one busy. And the camaraderie just isn't the same in the ICU. Six code browns (use your imagination) left my back aching but the next morning all my parts were back in working order which was good because then I tackled my longest school day of the week. Until this level, I always had the day off after clinicals which was great because I would be exhausted (one never sleeps the night before clinicals...can't risk that alarm not going off). But this level I have a clinical day and then my longest school day. It actually wasn't bad at all. Pedi lecture kind of makes me want to kill myself but that's just from 9-12. Jurisprudence is from 12-2 and I thought that was going to be an ass whipping but it was actually super interesting and then ACLS from 2-5:30 (think "CLEAR!") which ROCKS! I'm so going to love ACLS this level and our final exam is running a code (normally the physician role) so all in all, I think it will be a fun and fast semester. Just the weekly 48 with little sleep.

105 days. =)

Nurses and AT hikers, UNITE!

So, this is kind of a delicate subject. I was poking around on whiteblaze the other day, dreaming/obsessing 4 years into the future, when I had a thought: What do women do that time of the month on the trail? I mean, it's a 4-6 month hike. I'm going to be 50 so the Pill is out. The thought of managing tampax and cramps while hiking 20+ miles/day doesn't sound fun. Well, it turns out that a lot of women do just that. "Pack them out" in ziploc bags until they get to a place where they can be thrown away. Again, doesn't sound like much fun.  THEN I saw input from some hikers talking about this thing called a Diva Cup. I read all the posts about it and it sounded intriguing so I checked out their website. It's a silicon cup that fits like a diaphragm only it's not as wide and is longer. It only has to be taken out and cleaned twice per day. It has a little pouch to carry it in when not in use. Yeah, it sounds a little messy but so does packing out used tampons...yuck.

Then I got to thinking about it from a nursing perspective. Ask any nurse you know and she'll tell you that during a 12 hour shift, you're lucky to get 2 pee breaks. If you're an ER nurse during flu season, finding 30 seconds for ONE is a God-send! This doesn't work well during that time of the month. Tampons generally are not okay with waiting 12 hours..."oh no, I won't leak, don't worry about it." Yeah, right. So I thought if I ordered a Diva Cup, it would work great for both. So I did. It came today. I inserted it according to the instructions and I can't feel a thing. I'm going to practice inserting and removing it for the next week before I'm due start but will keep you posted at how well it works during the critical period (ha-ha). Oh, and a plus side...something about the silicone is supposed to get rid of cramps. How awesome is this invention?? I'll keep you posted!

Clinical Nerves

So after being on break for eight weeks, I hit clinicals again this week, which  means skills, skills, skills. I'm nervous as hell.  I haven't even SEEN an IV in 2 months, have yet to start one and am in the ICU, SICU, ED, and telemetry units over the next 7 weeks. So today I'm going to watch hawknurse videos on YouTube to try and increase my confidence with some review. I'm not normally nervous about clinicals..they're my favorite part of the nursing program. But I anticipate not much sleep tonight or tomorrow night. It's also our first full rotation which means we're there from report to report. Basically 0600-1900. Hopefully I won't do anything wrong that can't be easily undone. And hopefully I'll nail my first IV to help boost my confidence. I know I won't get them every time but the first time would be great! Wish me and my patients luck!

Bears and okra

Ever since I have committed to hiking in 2017 and have been voraciously devouring all things AT, I have had this recurring dream about bears. It's always the same. I'm hiking and look down and there's an adorable cub. But I'm smart so I'm not captivated by it's cuteness, I'm terrified and try shooing it away (yes, it's not a mosquito but you know dreams). I know where there's a cub, there's a mom. So I look up and sure enough, mama bear is coming down the hill, charging me at top speed. I'm scared to death when it stops short of me and is in my face. But I offer it some raw okra and it and the cub eat it and leave. So pack some okra when hiking. =)  p.s. For the record, I hate okra and would never have it on my person or think to bribe a bear with it. But you never know....

Welcome to my inner world...I'm constantly entertained.

Viginia Blues...

There is a phenomenon (if you want to call it that) when hiking the Appalachian Trail that happens to a lot of hikers in the state of VA. Virginia is the longest hike state on the trail and it's where the majority of the hikers who drop out leave the trail. They call this The Virginia Blues. If your goal is to get from one state line to the next, this makes sense to me. But if you're out there to enjoy each step, prove to yourself you can finish this monumental undertaking, get closer to yourself or your higher power, then what do state lines have to do with anything?

Today I find myself with the Virginia Blues of a different kind. I'm stuck inside this weekend doing school work, trying to save virtual lives on an interactive website where I have to run codes, and try to get into the groove of the final semester of nursing school. But outside, the sun is shining, it's 45 degrees and in my heart, it's May and I'm hiking in Virginia. I find myself missing a trail I've never stepped foot on yet. Maybe I need to lay off the AT books and journals until graduation. Everything in me wants to hit the trail THIS March, not four years from now. Impossible yet the desire is there.

So for now, I'll have to live vicariously through Jordana and hope my mind doesn't wander to the trail while I'm giving virtual chest compressions to a patient who doesn't exist. I have to say, even though it's not real, I get such anxiety doing those drills!!

"The mountains call and I must go." -John Muir

CLEAR!

Sometimes you run across medical terminology that has changed in a hilarious way. Sometimes it's for political correctness, sometimes I think they just want to make things seem more complicated and to seem to know more than Average Joe. Here is today's example, so my medical followers can get a chuckle and non-medical followers can sound important.

"Increase biphasic energy doses"

interpreted is:

SHOCK 'EM HARDER!

Consider yourselves educated/tickled for today.

Level 4 Orientation and dreaming

1 word: painful. Okay that was actually 3 words. Well, NOW I just blew it completely. Seriously, how do they stretch out rounding (yes, the kind you learned in 4th grade - if it's 5+, round up; below 5, round down), dilution, a syllabus and schedule into 8.5 hours?? And that's just for Pedi. I get to do it ALL over again tomorrow for MS3. Kmn...is it May yet??

On a more fun front, I spent most of yesterday stalking AT peeps on whiteblaze and the good badger. Can't wait for 2017!

I think there's a pattern here. Maybe I need to learn to be more present. Okay, here it goes: I'm presently looking forward to the future. That's the best I can do today. If you had been with me since 0800, you'd totally understand. Seriously though, I generally love life and look forward to another day above ground tomorrow, God willing. Have a great week, everyone. Or the 1 that is reading right now. =)

Back into the fray...

Well, today is the last day of break. I'm spending it wisely, in jammies in front of movies. My marridiv partner and I had breakfast together this morning, grabbed some movie treats and appropriately zoned out for the afternoon. After six weeks of continuous drinking, I face a few nights of difficult sleep sans wine. My first clinical shift should take care of that. But first, a few days of endless no-cheating speeches, "be flexible" rants and "we don't like this any more than you do" tirades. Like we haven't been through this THREE times since last January already! I'm sure I'll be taking down a small rainforest in paper this week too. The waste in nursing school is obnoxious and I'm a plastic bag WM shopper. 16.5 weeks and I'll be treated like a grown up again. It really is weird going back to school at my age...being older than many of my teachers yet they can reduce me to 13 with the word "contract". I shouldn't bitch. I've really loved just about every minute of it. And I'm so blessed and grateful to be able to make this dream come true after so long. And I'll have a way to support myself if this marridiv goes to divomar over the next 6 months, without having to go back to the monotony of the IT world (even though the bank is better). Looking forward to what the next several months hold. Hang in there everybody...it's quite a ride, isn't it?

Where Are We?

So it's really weird when you don't even know where you are in your own life. I mean, I KNOW where I am, I don't have amnesia or anything. I'm mentally competent to stand trial if need be. I start back school on Monday. So I know that much. But my personal life is in this super strange place. It used to give me a ton of anxiety (I have to know where we are, I have to, I have to, I have to). Yeah, not good on one's emotional self so I'm knocking that shit off. Still, it's a little surreal. So I've decided to give this place a name. I'm naming it Marridiv. You're in that space between marriage and divorce. We'll call it Marridiv on the good days and Divomar on the bad days. It's been more of a Marridiv kind of week. I guess that's good. Anything that keeps the waters calm so I can finish this beast of a program! Soon I will have all kinds of other thoughts occupying my time such as heart rhythms, ECG strips, critical care, pediatrics and (oh joy!) Jurisprudence. So the weather in Marridiv is mostly sunny with a perpetual chance of thunderstorms. I think I'll bring an umbrella just in case.

Nursing school gripe

Okay so here it is Wednesday. We start our final level next Monday. We have twice the class load as normal. And there's NOTHING ON OUR SCHEDULES. Nothing. Usually by now I'm printing out a rainforest, getting folders organized and lamenting about having to attend first week orientation nonsense AGAIN. But there's not a single thing out there. Wth? Is every nursing program like this? Do they all act like they don't do this every semester?? Seriously, I just don't understand. I mean, don't get me wrong. I have LOVED nursing school but this kind of thing goes on constantly (schedule changes, conflicting information, no information, etc) and after awhile, it just kind of wears on a person, you know? UGH

And let it be said. EKGs are a bitch! The website I found has helped a lot. Here are the rhythms I can now  identify: NSR(duh), brady, tachy, sinus arrhythmia, SVT, Afib, Aflutter, paced atrial, NSR with PVC, third degree AV block, Vtach, Vfib, paced ventrical and of course asystole (duh). The ones that trip me up are: sinus exit block, sinus arrest, all the dang AVBs except third (there are 4 others), junctionals and IVRs. Who knew there were so many rhythms?! I saw a RBBB pointed out on one yesterday and was all "how do you even SEE THAT??" Maybe someday it will all make sense. I used to feel the same way about lab values, acid/base balance and electrolytes and now I can recite them in my sleep. Just don't ask me to list of insulins. I need a cheat card in my badge for that. Rote memorization is not my thing and I just can't get the hang of them.

Off to do something that involves little brain power. Lifetime Movie Channel maybe? =)

Blah day

Today I woke up and stayed sleepy all day. It's rainy, cold and damp and I never could wake up all the way but couldn't sleep when I tried to nap either (my napping days are seriously numbered so I at least wanted to try).

I split the day between nursing and trail. I started an excel spreadsheet to track recommended equipment, cost and weight. I bookmarked some recommended websites and flagged some AT blogs. Then I studied a little. Getting ready to hit ACLS in the final semester and want to get a jump start on strips. Man, this shit is HARD! There's like eleventybillion rhythms out there and every fourth one looks the same. BAH! I found a great website that not only explains them well but also has a 60-second strip ID game. So if all else fails, repetition. I wouldn't have to be great at this but I want to be. Partly because that's my nature and partly because I want to be in the ED or some kind of critical care. Also reviewed fluids, electrolytes, PaCo2, pH, bicarb, acidosis, alkalosis and skimmed endocrine (I HATE the endocrine system). 17.5 weeks...wow, hard to believe they'll let me loose on real people in such a short amount of time. I still have to find my first IV and catheter for crying out loud...WHAT ARE THEY THINKING?

Job blues...

Last week before break but I need to spend the time brushing up. It feels like all my nursing info leaked out over the holidays. I spent a couple of hours today reviewing ECG stuff and will probably focus on that this week in anticipation of ACLS this semester. Plus reading strips is something I'd like to be proficient at since the ER/Critical Care is going to be my thing. Feels great to know I'm down to the last few months!

Things at home are the same but I don't really care. Just doing my thing. I mean I'm sad. I miss feeling loved but it's not like I'm the first person on the planet to go through this, right?

Still reading The Things You Find on the Appalachian Trail. It's been a fun book. Long term goals are great and give me something to dabble in when I have too much down time and my brain starts to wander to places that have no benefit. NO MORE WALLOWING! =)

Okay, so let me fill you in on the most frustrating thing that has happened over the holidays. I started this nursing program on a January start, which put me at a disadvantage. We are eligible as students to apply at a local hospital for an externship which means we follow an RN around and do what is allowable in our scope of practice, get paid for it and get ourselves in front of people who will be in charge of hiring new grads. The hospital I want to work at has a great extern program and is known for hiring only from their extern pool so it's important to get in there if you want to work there eventually. The externship process is open twice a year: in April and November. This sucks for a January entry student. In April you have only a few months under your belt and they are not inclined to hire a Level 1. By November you are ready to enter Level 4 which means they only have a few months to see your skill set before deciding whether or not to hire you so they traditionally don't hire Level 4s either. I applied as a Level 1 and didn't get in. I have worked at this hospital's ER before and two of my references are ER docs so when I applied again before Level 4 (last November), I was pretty confident about getting in. I had also introduced myself to the nursing director of the ER, told her how interested I was and she told me she would ask for my app by name. Again, I felt really confident. There is one person in charge of every extern that gets in from every college. One. That's a lot of power for one person. She basically decides on every nurse getting into that hospital. I have emailed her fairly regularly since meeting her at new student orientation last January. I wanted to keep my name in front of her because I really want to work for this hospital. I interviewed with her at the end of November and thought it went well. The orientation for the hospital was scheduled the week before Christmas (what?? how insane is that?) so I revamped my plans to head up north for the holidays which I originally intended to do on the 15th. Then I get this automated email saying  I wasn't selected. WHAT? Are you kidding me? How did that happen? On FB I see that some of my Level 4 compadres had been selected so I knew it wasn't a Level 4 deal. I was shocked, my husband was shocked and so were my classmates. I'm 45, reliable, responsible, I interview well, and had great recommendations from clinical instructors, etc. So I leave a message for this lady to please let me know what had happened. She calls me back and first she tells me the whole Level 4 issue. I told her that several of my graduating classmates had gotten selected. Then she tells me it was competitive and was a grade issue. My GPA is great, much better than at least one of my classmates that made it in. I tell her this because I can tell something is off here. Finally she tells me that the truth of why I didn't get in is because I was too eager and it was off-putting. Seriously?? This is like the craziest thing I've ever heard. I have 2 docs and the nursing director of this hospital's ER asking for me by name and you decide I just want it too badly? I didn't even know what to say. Clearly she just didn't like me for some reason and cut me off. The nursing director of the ER tried a few things to get me in but no-go. So now my chances of getting into this hospital are down to near zero. I have no idea what really happened and am very frustrated. The other local hospital doesn't offer an externship so now I'm forced to apply for one to a hospital that's nearly an hour away. I don't HAVE to extern to graduate but it would be great to have a job and get to practice skills and have a distraction from my current domestic bliss (yes, note the sarcasm here). But time is ticking away so I don't know if this other hospital will be interested in having a student extern when she graduates in 3-4 mos. So that was fun. The upside of not getting in was getting to go up north early as planned. That was a real blessing so the disappointment was off-set by that. But dang it, I want a JOB!! The nursing director of the ER is trying to get me in as a pre-triage escort so my face is at least in the ER. We'll see. Fingers crossed. Happy Monday, everybody!

Home again...

Slackblogging again, I know. Well, after months and months of "I don't know", I came back expecting an answer. Well, expecting a divorce actually. But there's just more "I don't know". And for the first time, that's actually okay with me because I don't know anymore either. And I have way too much to focus on to let this situation continue to drain my emotional energy. My time home with my family was very good for me. Helped remind me who I am, made me stronger. I thank God daily for them. So now I know I'm strong enough to get through whatever comes my way. He's been pondering things since meeting with his counselor yesterday morning and wants to talk again tomorrow.  We'll see. I feel bound to the promises I made to him and I'm willing to go forward. But I'm not willing to be yanked around. So, my mental energies are going elsewhere for now.

On a good note, I received several emails last night from our automated school scheduling system and my MedSurg 3 schedule looks great. I'm at my favorite hospital and am in the ICU, SICU, ER and one other floor I'm happy with. The schedule itself is brutal 2 days of the week for the first 7 weeks and then I'm off MedSurg and on to Pedi. And then GRADUATION!! I have one week of break left. Time to do some review. Ready to be done with school and with this phase of my life in general.

Still doing a lot of reading/dreaming about the AT...something else to look forward to. I was driving through the mountains on the way home and thought about how beautiful it will be to hike it instead of driving it.  I've been contemplated starting some 2-3 day hikes this year. But I have ZERO gear and gear is expensive. So is school. So it will have to wait. Another reason to get this school phase over. Girl needs some cash!

Thanks to those of you who have given me a read and sent some juju my way. Much appreciated (even if you haven't actually taken the time to comment, a-HEM). Peace...

So today I was on the road at 4am and made it from St Paul to Little Rock, which means I only have 4 hours tomorrow. I miss my family already and am anxious about tomorrow. In all likelihood, in 24 hours, I will be on the way to divorce #2. (#1 doesn't count, lol...my 23 year old husband discovered he was gay...what can you do with THAT?). Still...this wasn't the way it was supposed to be. I waited so long for him. He was supposed to be my partner for the rest of my life. Major bummer. On the upside, school is about to start back and less than 4 months until graduation...yay, me! (yes, I'm an ellipses freak...deal) And I can start making 4 years worth of equipment/gear/stops lists, lists, lists for the AT in 2017. Trying not to use busy-ness to avoid though. Reading lots of mindfulness stuff lately. Maybe I won't make the same mistakes in the future if I'm more present in the present. Emotional pain is not pain. Simply a sensation to be embraced and learned from. Yeah...not there yet. But I'm working on it. Presently, I'm very in the present, enjoying my present Immortal Zin. Not bad... Prayers, juju, vibes my way tomorrow if you are so inclined. p.s. I know "lots" is not a real word.