Monday, February 4, 2013

Grad anxiety

I don't know what in the hell is the matter with me. After my little fiasco on the floor last week (see Vindication! post), I woke up Friday with my eyes swollen shut. Saturday was worse, the right side of my face was also swollen with hives. I looked like a stroked out domestic abuse victim. I tried some soap with tea tree oil and that at least got my eyes to open. By Sunday I started to panic because there was no way I could go to school or clinicals looking like this. Nothing new came into contact with my skin and benadryl was no help so I knew it wasn't allergy related. Which meant some kind of inflammatory response. So I hit my doc-in-the-box (which is an awesome place actually) hoping for some steroids. I ended up completely melting down with both the CNMA and my poor but wonderful NP. All they did is ask me what is going on in my life right now. That was all it took. Started breaking down talking about my crumbling marriage, my bank account which is now $2,000 in the red with a tuition payment coming up, plus my constant irrational fear of breaking an ankle in the next 95 days and not graduating. It turns out my face was an inflammatory STRESS response. UGH! 8mg of Decadron in the butt. My face is still slightly swollen today but much better. However, I had to submit my license request to the Texas Board of Nursing today. I did it, paid for it (sold my beloved camera equipment this weekend to do so) and thought I was going to throw up after. I don't understand why I have all this anxiety!! Shouldn't this be the COOLEST, MOST EXCITING time of my life?? I can't get into classes or clinicals this level. I'm worn out and stressed out and feel completely unprepared and not confident.  Why am I not over the moon excited right now? I really need to meditate and do some praying but I'm way too wound up to focus. Plus I have a Pedi exam tomorrow and can't focus to study for that either. Not to mention steroids make me zoom, zoom, zoom!! But it helps a little just to get it out there. A little. Okay, off to throw up...j/k. For now.

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